Log in

July 2014



RSS Atom
Powered by LiveJournal.com

Previous 10

Jul. 16th, 2014


I think that sometimes every one of us has a moment that we want to tell everybody to go fuck themselves. Imagine having no attachments, no worrying about the thoughts or feelings of others, being able to make your choices with no collateral damage.
I have those moments too, but luckily I have a small number of people, my blood family, that I could never tell that to. I can cling to my love for family and choose to hang on, and I can say at this time that I always will. Time will tell.
But if you're in that moment, find someone. Find someone who you love enough to choose to hang on.
Pain is pain. Your hurt is true. But find it in yourself to choose to hurt someone else.

Jul. 6th, 2014

Trust my rage.


Jan. 8th, 2014


So much truth amongst the biggest of lies

I really felt pretty desperately about the fact that maybe if I wasn't around, life for other people around me would be less painful.

I should be so grateful for where I am, but I was looking in the mirror and hating myself, and not being able to escape from that.

Jan. 3rd, 2014


End without end

Two (three, as it is dead of night of January 3, damn the passage of time) days into the year. 3 days in, and at the end of my tether.
I'm lucky (?) to have family, because if I didn't I'd be long gone. Even my dearest friend, my kittycat tethers me here, forces me to hold on.
In life, we expect to be something, to do something, to accomplish something. Be damned if I think I have, at my age. Fucking haven't.
I know in the scheme of things, I'm the tiniest of tiny cogs. I guess all of us imagine we were so much more important than that.
But when you're struggling, day by day, penny by penny, to hang on, it's so fucking hard, and you cling to any imagined importance.
And your imagined importance only infringes on others, drags them into your failures and makes them part of your incompetence.
But how long can you rely on others before you stand and fall on your own?
There comes a time when you have to walk away from the help of those you love, because your neediness hurts them.
They might be better, happier, more serene, if they did not have to worry about you.
And you might rest easier in whatever beyond there may be, if you knew that they were free of your drama/trauma/radiating pain.
They might remember you with sad smiles, but the specter of your incompetent pain would be a shadow, a memory, painless in its distance.
The choice is like a blinding light in your eyes, ignore-able, insistent, ever-present, never-ending.

Dec. 14th, 2013


This Time Of Year

I know I'm speaking for more than just myself when I mention how hard this time of year can be. For me, it's a time of year for remembering the past and for dreading the future. Not really a recipe for a silent night.
Because of my OCD, I tend to fixate on the negative rather than the positive. OCD is a disease that claims the phrase "what if" and twists it into horrible fantasies of what may happen, no matter how outrageous or unlikely those scenarios are. It's a real treat, let me tell you.
I'm trying this year to CHOOSE to focus on the positive, on how blessed I am, rather than thinking about the bad things that were and the bad things that may yet be. I am among the luckiest people in the world, and I need to remember that.

Dec. 5th, 2013


Only the Good

There's been an amazing amount of coverage of Paul Walker's death in the news, and quite right, too. What's stunning to me is how little people (myself included) knew about his charitable endeavors, and of the work he's done in silence for years now.
In a world where Kim Kardashian toots her horn about donating 10% of the proceeds from selling her used clothes (ew, herpes), there was little to no mention of the work Paul was doing with his organization. Our priorities as a country are pretty fucked up, frankly. This guy put his money where his mouth is, and gave of his time to make the world a better place.
That's what I choose to remember about Paul Walker. He gave a damn, and he tried to make things better.
Only the good die young.



May. 23rd, 2013


(no subject)

There's a seedy side to life, Bukowski and Waits and smoke and grit and grime and stars and smog....

It's about being with someone, not because you're lonely but because it's better than being alone.....

Aug. 25th, 2012

Middle Finger

Dear Pharmaceutical Spammers

Keep posting comments on my journal and I will fucking stab you. 

Aug. 16th, 2012

Digging through Youtube

Favorite book, favorite movie, favorite pairing.

Jul. 28th, 2012



What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up

Like a raisin in the sun?

Or fester like a sore—

And then run?

Does it stink like rotten meat?

Or crust and sugar over—

Like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags

Like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

- Langston Hughes

Previous 10